LOOK, dog!

Each day on my 12 mile commute to work, I travel over about 2 miles of a local MUP that bisects the angle of the two main roads that lead to my destination (see professionally rendered map below). These 2 miles are always hopelessly rife with frustration and hand wringing as I struggle to cope with the rambling mass of brain dead peds. The MUP, about 10 feet wide, is (in theory, not in practice) pretty well laid out and includes a dedicated uni-directional bike lane that takes up about a third of its total width. Each morning I ride the lane in the correct direction and do my best to keep as far over as possible. Each morning it never fails that some hoard of middle aged women, pony tails swinging side to side in sync with their wagging hips and flapping gums, trot four abreast in the bike lane leaving the ped path void of traffic. Each morning I give a friendly but loud “on your right” to alert them to the fact they’re encroaching on cyclist turf and, every morning, these same pony-tailed adorned skulls come whipping around bearing a look on their face like they’ve just caught me sodomizing their 11 year old. On those really special occasions I am met with a heart-filled “ahole!” or an alarmed “Jebus Christ!”, to which I merrily respond “it’s a bike lane, dipshit!”.

A new phenomenon has been introduced to the bike path as of late in that there seems to be a preponderance of peds accompanied by their canine pals. Now don’t get me wrong, I love dogs and, as a dog lover, I feel it’s a responsible owner’s duty to ensure their dog doesn’t pose a safety risk to itself or others. Besides the mild frustration of having to dodge our furry friends’ ‘leavings’ whose less fastidious owner’s couldn’t be bothered to collect, I have now become accustomed to dodging the beasts themselves as they range, unleashed, into two-wheeled territory. I handle their owners much like I handle any other imbecile ped and deliver a friendly “there’s leash laws for a reason, asspipe!”. Unfortunately, however, it would appear that my wisdom has went unheeded as is apparent in the episode in which I was involved in on this particular morning.

I was coasting towards the exit of my beloved MUP, breathing a sigh of relief at having survived yet another morning of assured peril when all of a sudden a ped and his dog appear from around the corner. I quickly realize that this particular German Sheppard was moving towards me at an astonishing rate, unbound by any sort of tether. Even more quickly I realize that this dog had every intention of gnawing on our narrator’s god-like pistons. As its jaws almost inevitably locked around my leg I was able to unclip and deliver a swift and authoritative shove to its right shoulder with my foot. Instantly confronted by a feeling of pity for what I had to do to this poor animal as a result of its owner’s negligence, I shout at the offending ignoramus that he better get his shti in order lest his companion someday engage a less sympathetic soul. The guy saunters off clearly embarrassed, so much so that he fails to even respond.

As my local MUP’s judicature, I feel personal responsibility for the enlightenment of my dull witted fellow users. It would seem, however, that despite my best efforts I’m clearly just not getting through to them.